small pieces of self #1

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I guess you never felt anyone could love you, not fully and not completely,

I guess you never thought anyone could really understand you or accept you as you are, as an apparent light in your loved one’s days, and all the while you are, and you feel like the darkness in your own day, and your own mind.

I guess you never felt these could be reconciled let alone accepted,

And I guess, you could never fathom any being on this earth caring, loving and accepting you all in one. I guess you always doubted what you received and put so much only into giving.

I guess, before you fell so deeply into cycles of doubt, attachment and reliance, you stopped checking in.

But you became and you are an attachment and a point of safety,  a person to be relied upon, and home.
Despite that you could never be those things for yourself.

I guess that’s just it – the toxicity, the darkness and the damage,
the destructive force that this emotion and cycle of yours is –
—— it was you learning, feeling and giving love, attachment, safety and care, for the world, for things and causes, people and moments, before and other than, yourself.

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If you’ve made it this far, a little blurb could be useful. It’s been a little while since I last wrote on here. I may be uploading some shorter pieces of prose, (or poetry?) – it’s very different to anything I’ve posted before but it’s what I’m writing at the moment. I hope it resonates nonetheless and Happy new year.

 

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